Between the lines(4)
Chapter 4 - Cloven feet.
It wasn’t the devil that night. I won’t let him take credit for what I did. It’s not my finest work, but it is my work regardless.
Lara stays. Not because Nonso forces her, but because she chooses to. That’s what makes it worse. The agency in her own undoing. When he grips her wrist too hard during an argument about her spending time with Oge, she could leave. When he reads her journal without asking and calls her “dramatic” for what she wrote, she could pack a bag. When he tells her she’s lucky anyone puts up with her sensitivity, she could walk out the door.
She doesn’t.
She makes the choice to smooth it over, to apologize for things that aren’t her fault, to convince herself this is what love costs.
The devil would be easier to blame. Some external force, some possession, but this is her hand turning the key in the lock. Her voice saying “it’s fine.” Her feet staying planted when everything in her body screams to run.
It happens on a Tuesday.
Maya texts Emergency. Can you come over rn?
I’m at Nonso’s apartment, folding laundry. His laundry, I realize, because I don’t even have clothes at my own place anymore.
“I need to go,” I tell him. “Oge needs me.”
He doesn’t look up from his laptop. “What kind of emergency?”
“I don’t know. She just said it’s urgent.”
“So it could be nothing.” Now he looks up, and his expression is patient, reasonable. “You know how Ogechi can be. Everything’s a crisis for that one.”
“She’s my best friend.”
“And I’m your boyfriend. We had plans tonight.”
“We’re doing laundry.”
“We’re spending time together. Quality time.” He closes his laptop and stands, crossing to where I’m frozen by the door. “Lara, I’m not trying to control you. I’m just asking you to consider whether running to Oge every time she texts is actually healthy for you. She’s codependent. She uses you as emotional support instead of dealing with her own issues.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” He cups my face gently. “I love how loyal you are. It’s one of my favorite things about you. But sometimes loyalty becomes enabling, and I don’t want to see you sacrifice your own wellbeing for someone who doesn’t appreciate it.”
I should argue. I should push past him and leave.
Instead, I text Oge back “Sorry babe, can’t tonight. Is everything okay?”
Her response comes immediately I really need you.
And then, a minute later Nvm. I’ll figure it out.
I find out later that Oge’s mom had been rushed to the hospital. Nothing life-threatening, but scary enough that Oge needed her best friend.
And I wasn’t there.
When I try to explain to Nonso why I’m upset, he turns it around somehow. “So you’re angry at me because Ogechi’s mother got sick? How is that my fault?”
“It’s not about fault. I should have been there.”
“You didn’t know. And even if you had gone, what would you have done? Held her hand? She’s an adult, Lara. She has other friends.”
“I’m her best friend.”
“Are you? Because from where I’m sitting, you’re trying to be everything to everyone except the person who actually loves you.” His voice cracks. “I feel like I’m fighting for scraps of your attention. Like you’re always looking for an excuse to choose someone else over me.”
And just like that, I’m apologizing. I’m promising to be more present. I’m the one comforting him while he cries about how hard it is to love someone who won’t let themselves be loved.
The bruises on my wrist throb.
I try to leave.
It’s another Saturday morning, crisp April air filtering through Nonso’s open windows. He’s making coffee, humming, perfectly content.
“I think I should go home today,” I say. “Spend some time at my own place.”
“Sure.” He doesn’t even turn around. “I’ll come with you. We can pick up whatever you need and come back.”
“No, I mean…I should spend some time alone. In my own space.”
Now he turns. “Why?”
“I just…I need to.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No, I just—”
“Because if I did something to upset you, I’d rather you tell me than punish me with silence and distance.” He sets down the coffee mugs carefully. “We’re supposed to be partners, Lara. We’re supposed to communicate.”
“I’m trying to communicate that I need space.”
“Space from what? From me? From us?” His voice rises. “Jesus Christ, I can’t win with you. I’m either too distant or too close. I either don’t care enough or care too much. What the fuck do you actually want?”
I flinch.
He sees it and immediately softens. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, that was out of line.” He crosses to me, pulls me into his arms. “I’m just scared, okay? I’m scared that you’re going to leave me, and I don’t know how to hold on without holding too tight.”
He’s crying now, his face buried in my neck.
“I’m not leaving,” I hear myself say.
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
Oge stops answering my calls.
When I finally show up at her apartment unannounced, she opens the door but doesn’t invite me in.
“Your mom,” I start. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. I should have…”
“Lara.” She looks exhausted. “I can’t do this right now.”
“Can’t do what?”
“Watch you disappear into him. Watch you make excuses. Watch you turn into someone I don’t recognize.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? When’s the last time we had a conversation that wasn’t about Nonso? When’s the last time you made a decision without checking with him first? When’s the last time you were happy?”
The words hit like fists.
“I am happy.”
“You’re not. And the worst part is, I don’t think you even realize it anymore.” She starts to close the door. “I love you. I’ll always love you. But I can’t watch this anymore. When you’re ready to see what everyone else can see, call me.”
The door closes.
I stand in the hallway for a long time, phone in my hand, trying to decide who to call.
There’s only one number I know by heart anymore.
That night, the dream is different.
I’m in the pen, pressed between warm bodies, moving toward the smell of blood. But this time, I can see the creatures around me clearly.
They’re not monsters.
They’re cows. Pigs. Animals being led to slaughter, aware enough to be terrified but not aware enough to understand they could fight back.
The one in front of me turns its head, and I see my own face reflected in its dark eye.
I am fear, the voice whispers. I marvel at the extent the human mind will go to remain alive, and I dislike those lethargic to fight.
“I’m not lethargic,” I try to say. “I’m just…”
Choosing this, the voice finishes. You’re choosing this. Every day you stay, you’re walking toward the blade, and you’re calling it love.
I try to turn around, but there are bodies behind me, pushing forward.
I try to climb the walls, but they’re too high, too smooth, too slick with the blood of everyone who tried before.
Fight, the voice says. Or admit you’ve already surrendered.
I wake up screaming.
Nonso holds me, rocking me, murmuring comfort into my hair. “Shh, it’s okay, obi’m it’s just a dream, you’re safe, I’ve got you.”
And for a moment, I let myself believe him.
For a moment, I let myself believe that the arms around me are safety instead of the walls of the pen.
For another moment, I choose the lie over the truth.
I lay in bed that night next to Nonso, his arm heavy across my ribs. In the darkness, I finally admit the truth to myself.
It wasn’t the devil that night. I won’t let him take credit for what I did. It’s not my finest work, but it is my work regardless.
I chose this. I’m choosing it still.
Hi Pumpkin.
Happy New Month!! You made it to the last month of the year!
Compliments of the season🤭
As usual, lmk your thoughts on Nonso and Lara😚
With all my love,
Head Phmpkin, Joké💕